Counting the Moments
by Chibi Gaki
Summary: 1+2 implied - Duo thinks... maybe if everyone he cares for is doomed to die... maybe the best thing for him to do is to just stop caring.


Counting the Moments

It's been exactly one month, thirteen days, seven hours, and after glancing at the clock and doing the math, forty-eight minutes since I last saw the guys. 

And I'm dying inside. 

God, I miss them. I miss you. But it scared me… it scared me that I couldn't keep my mask on around you or even the others, sometimes… I had thought it was secure…it's been with me as long as I remember… but it started slipping… Every once in a while, it would slip off, and I would get hurt... or scare someone… make them concerned… I thought I could fix it… but it just kept happening and happening… 

I as good as told you I was I love with you. 

I know everyone has gotten over me leaving by now. Every once in a while, one of them might be reminded of say, and me 'Oi, remember Duo? I wonder where he is right now?' and go on with their merry lives. Ok, maybe not merry… there _is_ a war going on… No one is really living happily, but at least I know that they are safer because I'm not around. I took risks, I was weak…cursed… and I was letting them replace my old gang. Heh. We all know what happened to my old gang… 

Death.. 

Blood… 

Destruction… 

Loneliness… 

Stupid… I really am a baka… I let you all get close to me… I let you all mean something to me… I loved you. I can still see your cold blue eyes become confused when I told you, and I think of my cowardice when I ran away… again… 

I run, I hide, but I never lie. 

I ran and hid from you… at least I didn't lie. That's what's important, right? Not being dishonest… 

Sigh. I know you're trying to find me. You haven't had the chance to speak one word to me since I left. Somehow, I know you're dying to do something… Yell at me. Hit me. Kiss me. Ask me 'Why?' or 'How?' …but I won't let you. Too close, too fast. I don't think I could live knowing you hate me… I'd rather live not knowing at all. Or not live. 

So, I sit in my apartment, by myself, in the dark. Of course, the TV is on… I can't stand silence. People wonder why I talk so much? Well, there you go. When it's quiet, I'm afraid. The memories come back, and I feel like that little kid again. Alone… But, I'm not alone anymore, right? I have you, and Quatre, and Trowa, and Wufei, and Hilde, and Howard, among others… That scares me even more… 

Fear. 

I hate fear. I've been consumed and controlled by it and I _hate_ it. It hurts to be afraid. It hurts to love. It hurts to fight… and yet, I can never escape any of that. I'm a pilot… to be completely honest, I am a highly wanted Gundam pilot. I live in fear… a street rat from L2… we all were afraid. If I wouldn't have been afraid, I wouldn't have survived. Even so, fear made me feel weak.. I guess that's why I always try to act brave for the others, when I can…to hide my fear. Two of the three, but then I met you. And, damn it, I fell in _love_ with you. I fell in love with the only one of us who seemed to be spared from emotion. 

Being around you took away my fear, and I'll never forget the times you'd go so far as to knock me out to stop me from fighting… In a way, you made me feel completely safe. Complete and utter security. When I realized this, the fear came back. One thing I learned, even being the 'idiot' that I am, is that all good things have a price. That price was the danger I put you all in… My emotional state was already weak before I even became a pilot… but, when I found you guys and had to work with you… 

I'm good… but I don't want one of you to die because of my inevitable slip up. 

So, I'll wait here in the darkness, lit only by the small television in the corner, until I'm needed. Until you need me. That way, I don't have to be too attached anymore… So, when you die, I won't be hurt quite so bad… 

I couldn't live through another heartbreak… 

Beeping? What's th-? Oi, my laptop… Heh. A mission. Well, what do you know? … I'm needed… 

and it only took one month, fourteen days, and five minutes… 

~Owari~ 


End file.
